Arsenatic

Hey guys remember Myspace? Nope. No one does. These days Myspace seems to be only used for music. (I actually used it to listen to a song recently!) This story takes place no less then about 4 years ago. Isn’t that pathetic. I had never used Myspace but little me judging by the anti cyber bullying speeches we heard at the time it was a place of evil.

This is what I thought a child predator looked like.

Now someone in that grade, I wont mention her name- aw screw it it was Akela, decided  to make one for me. Little ol’ me interpreted this as identity theft.

She apparently had created. But a few months later kids were coming up to we about it. Telling me that she had put pictures of naked men on it.

I told the counselor. Then the action began. There was much interrogating. Me, Akela, and the kid behind the gay rumors. I cant remember his name. Started with a K. He was one of those kids who tried to act mature all the time. One time in lunch he talked about his friends Dad owned an electronic vagina. But lets not get distracted. Where were we- oh yes. The usual subjects.

Sure enough it was all just a big misunderstanding. I was just gullible. There WAS a Myspace account created. The name was “powerpuff” the age was “42”. There is a story behind that name. This one time in class a kid, (the kid with the K at the beginning of his name), said something where he said the word “sedusa” a play on the words ‘’medusa’’ and ‘seduce’. I was quick to point out that Sedusa was the name of a “Powerpuff Girls” villein. All the kids made fun of me for knowing this factoid. What I want to know is why they didn't go “Wait there is a powerpuff girls villein named Sedusa?” No respect.

I mean come on.

I’m not sure if the age has a backstory, unless she was a Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy fan. Point is everything was resolved. I myself now have a Facebook account. I created it for the sole purpose of getting in to ANOTHER website with ease. As far as I know powerpuff still exists to this day.

We Even Had A Jingle

These days it seems like everyone is bankerin’ to get a job. I on the underhand am well spended thanks to my business endeavors in elementary. “Everything” my business was called it sold everything: ancient tombs, the secret Krabby Patty formula you name it. Although my business was too dignified to sell the store to some other hack job. There was also a time where there were no cigarettes being sold. Being the pwecious little prodigy of hope I was. I swear. 

Then one day this happened. I was minding my own business at my stand underneath the playground when Joey came by. 

I cant for the life of me remember what the argument was about but it uninvolved ice cream. Did we run out of a flavor? That cant be it. We sold everything. That by default means we have it. Maybe I wouldn't sell it to him because of his mental handicap? Now that could not be it? Prodigy of hope remember. 

One way or another I ended up trapped in one of the bathroom stalls with one of his lackeys. Now to this day I’m not sure why I didn't make the effort of escaping or maybe I was just bidding my time. 

My friends came to help there was a struggle, a tug of war of good and evil, for me. The prodigy. 

The escape a success we ran out. Thats when we saw them. The cold, cold eyes. 

Apparently I had not heard the bell. How long was I in there? I told the others of what had happened. They were not to impressed of there schedule conflict being caused by ice cream that didn't exist. A few days later Joey himself came up to me. FORCED to apologize. The guy was in tears. Justice had been served. Much like the ice cream.

Up, Up, and Away

Let me tell you about Video Brinquedo. They are a brazilian DVD company, distributing such things as "Sonic X". But what there really know for is their mock-busters. In other words, ripoffs.

Unlike Video Brinquedo, I respect my viewers intelligence and will NOT tell you what the above movies are ripping off. Go figure out your self.

I tried watching some of these movies but eventually stopped out of sheer boredom. Those movies I watched were The Little Cars 2, Little Bee, The Frog Prince, and today's feature: What's Up, Balloon to the Rescue. For it is not just bad. Its HILARIOUS (lly bad).

Our film starts out with a flashback. Video Brinquedo must have gotten lazy because they made this movie a sequel to their last mock-buster "Little and Big Monsters". Sensing a LITTLE pattern here. Thus the movie has barely anything to do with the movie its based on except for the house with balloons.

Two scientists (cant remember ANY of the character's names) have discovered a rock that can make there house fly. Now, I must of been not paying attention, because APPARENTLY the rock can also control people when one says "lavender". This becomes important later on and I was very confused. Yet Im still confused, that has got to be the weirdest of rocks ever.

When talking about their discovery the news reporter steals their controller and presses the button. With and evil smirk. Don't ask me why the evil reporter amuses me it just does.

On their journey to wherever to find the what ever they take some girl, some kid, and a frenchie.

In the scene where he is introduced the scientist asks him for some water to which he responds "No, no I am french we drink wine".

Come on Video Brinquedo is that the best you can do he should have said:

"Wee wee I am french let me just twirl my twirly mustache in my beret and stripy shirt and hold my french bread and smoke while standing in front of the Eiffel tower and talk about my love for food, and Jerry Lewis. I must go the Pink Panther has been stollen again".

On their trip the girl reveals she has the hots for frenchie. Of course.

When they get to bland-jungle-land they get out and explore the cave. However french dude is evil! I should have known there is cahoots with reporters you know. He blows up the cave trapping our "heroes". He gets the rock of strange coincidences and uses it on a hot air balloon traveller. He ends up accidentally freeing three monsters from some monster containing thing. Luckily those other guys capture one of them.

With French guy hiding the rock they cant fly their house any more. So they use a hot air balloon. SEE in the movie "Up" it was a BUNCH of balloons. But in here its a HOT AIR balloon.

There is a running gag that involves the small boy taunting the caged monsters with food. I think its food. He says there cookies but they look more like pink Oreo filling and there coming out of a strange tube thing. Then again this movie was dubbed 4kids guys and you know how they can get with foreign foods.

I love donuts as much as I love AMERICA.

So they go to Paris where they get the monster in like two seconds flat. Seriously in the background too. This movie has NO suspense. Meanwhile the french guy tries to convince the girl that the old guys are too old for the job. So they let them sleep while they try to get the third monster.

At China we get to meet the character that makes this movie stand out from the rest. While the monster is attacking China a chinese guy taking pictures. I know he's Chinese because he wears a picture of noodles on his shirt. Like how I wear a shirt with a Hamburger on it.

Chinese guy: "Stupid junky made in China camera"

Even the Chinese hate there stuff. The old guys come back defeat the monster and introduce themselves to the man.

Girl: "Arigoto!"

Chinese: "Thank you but that is japanese, my name is (random mash of pings)."

On the ship the girl has a confession to make.

Girl: "Me and (french guy) we did a bad thing."

Old guy: "I don't want to hear about it."

Me: *raises eyebrow*

Meanwhile the kid messing with the monsters notices something.

Kid: "Hey, that Chinese guy is with the monsters."

Me: "Hey, he has a name. No matter how racist."

Kid: "He didn't even do any thing when I ate my cookie."

Old Guy: "Did you try a fortune cookie."

Me: "What."

Kid: "Huh?"

Old Guy: "Never mind just a bad joke."

Me: "You bet."

It doesn't stop there folks. During the climax which involves Frenchie taking control of everyone and monsters escaping lines like this appear.

Kid: "Hey CHINA give me your camera."
Kid: "Thanks BEGING."

I wouldn't say its racist, because it doesn't make any sense. Why would you call someone by where your from.

Any way french guy is defeated, he and monsters go to monster world, and this line:

Kid: "He's (Chinese guy) smart? I thought he was just going to cook us some dinner".

THE END

Michael Jordan and the Looney Tunes vs. the Aliens in the Center of the Earth

Now that the title has gained your attention: Space Jam.

After Who Framed Roger Rabbit came out people now had the technology to merge cartoon characters with beings of flesh and blood. Also around that time Nike had released two commercials advertising the "Air Jordans". The commercials stared none other then Michael Jordan and Bugs Bunny.

I for one think these commercials are funny, and I guess everyone did to leading to the next logical step: a movie. Of course.

I'm still waiting for the big screen adaptation of the epic "Where's Gibert" saga

Thus comes the movie Space Jam. Lets review shall we. The movie starts off with lil' Michael shooting hoops.

Then cut to a montage of Mr. Jordan's successes. I think this would work in a biopic, but for a movie like this it comes off as self indulgent. Unless this IS a biopic which in that case means Michael leads one of the coolest lives ever.

After Michael Jordan expresses his (real life) desire to retire from basketball and pursue a career in baseball. Then we zoom out the the cartoon planet of Moron Mountain. 

If you walked into this movie with out any idea of what it was about. Then you would seriously be confused right now. Unless of course you didn't blink during Bugs Bunny's name in the credits. I love how none of the other Looney tunes get a mention in the credits.

Poor Daffy you'll always be MY favorite

The theme park planet is run by a shady looking gremlin played by Danny Devito. Who is always a good actor when you have a shady looking gremlin.

No this is not Danny Devito

He's mad because everyone thinks his theme park is lame. So he gets the idea to send his lackeys the Nerdlucks down to Earth to kidnap the Looney Tunes.

I like the Nerdlucks. However I doubt they will ever appear after this. Anyway they go down to Earth to get the Looney Tunes. Who live in the center of the Earth. I don't know WHY they live in the center of the earth but I assume it has something to do with the great ToonTown recession of the 1960's.

So anyway they threaten the Looney Tunes to come up to there planet. But in an act of being Bugs Bunny he challenges them to a game of Basketball, if they loose they have to go with them.

In case you didn't know the Nerdlucks are really really small

Unexpected to them the Nerdlucks steal the talent of some of the NBA players. I really like the animation in this scene so you can watch it in the link. The actual scene starts at 0:34.

Monstars

So yeah. Now that they pose a threat Bugs Bunny goes up to the surface to kidnap Michael Jordan.

Michael Jordan decides to help the Looney Tunes out. He assembles all the Looney Tunes including one new one.

This is Lola Bunny. She doesn't have much of a purpose in the movie other then to make all the girls feel equal and the boys feel funny. Me I like her better in the new Looney Tunes show that just came out recently.

So they need to practice their game but Michael needs his shoes.

So they get his shoes.

So the game begins its the "Tune Squad" vs. "Monstars". Everyones there even Bill Murray and Wayne Knight. Oh and various Looney Tunes in the crowd. If you pause and look closely you can see that some are repeated.

So typical sports movie stuff. Tunes lose some, then they get some water which makes them win thinking its super stuff (when its of course its whats inside them that counts, duh).

Say Wabbit Season again I dare you

Then Michael Jordan unsleshes his inner cartoon charcter. Every sports movie has that.

So in the end the Looney Tunes win and Michalel Jordon returns to basketball. Best comeback story ever. 

Now lets talk about a few things.

This is a schisophrenic movie. The diffrent scenes are like two different movies. Is it a Michalel Jordan movie that just so happens to have Bugs Bunny, or a Bugs Bunny movie that just so happens to have Michael Jordan? When Michael enters toon land it becomes apparent on the former. But for some reason its why I love it.

Its such an odd piece of film (just read the plot). Im not a fan of 90's sports movies but I would be if they all had cartoon aliens I would be.

Goodbye, and remember Im just a random kid with a computer.

Monkeybone, Funkybone, Funnybone

So one of the purposes for this blog is to talk about well, things that are animated and odd, and they don't get more odd then this.

Yup. "Monkeybone" is a 2001 film directed by Henry Selick and starring Brendan Fraiser and a orange monkey made out of clay. Not there is much of a difference, ZING!

So if your wondering what the hell that picture is all about let me give you a rundown of the movie.

It starts off with a disturbing little cartoon where a monkey comes out of a boy's pants after he gets turned on by his teacher's arm flab. Ew.

Thats not a picture from the actual cartoon, but its a good idea of the style. Any who after the cartoon is over it is revealed to be a preview screening for a show on the Comedy Channel. Which is being picked up for 6 episodes. The company must have real faith in it. The man behind this abomination is Stu Miley played by Brendan Fraiser. Like most great artistic creations Monkeybone is a metaphor for the guy's penis. I think.

He is also trying to propose to his psychiatrist who is responsible for getting rid of his nightmares. How? Well he used to create disturbing paintings with his right hand. So they switched his dominate hands resulting in a cartoony style. I got a try that sometime. However all goes wrong as Stu crashes his car that night sending him in to a coma. Where else does he go but COMA-LAND!

Now that we are here let me tell you the 3 things wrong with this movie (too me).

1. No Stop-motion

This movie was directed by Henry Selick director of The Nightmare Before Christmas, James in the Giant Peach, and Coraline. However theres hardly any stopmotion in it. Theres a couple of roadkill animals, a pharoh thing, I THINK the minotaur bartender might be, and of course Monkeybone.

2. Strays of of original content.

Okay chances are you don't know what Im talking about. Monkeybone is based on the one issue comic Dark Town. Which I have.

Its pretty cool but Im not sure why they butchered it while transiting from page to screen. The only similarities from this to Monkeybone are:

* Guy going into coma land

*Has to hurry back before they pull the plug

*Death tries to help him

Speaking of death

3. No Christopher Walken

Originally they were to have him play this interpretation of death. But they didn't. Any movie that was considering Christopher Walken and did not loses all thrill points.

Who DOES get to play death in this you might ask?

Whoopi Goldberg. Of course.

Anyway, so Stu is in Coma-land which is probably not real and just in his head considering Monkeybone is real here (and obnoxious). He tries to get out by sneaking into Death's lair and getting a ticket out. Meanwhile Stu's psychiatrist/ love interest decides to pump up the Nightmare fuel. Literally. She thinks if she puts in nightmare fuel into Stu he will wake up. Oh and his sister wants to pull the plug. Just sayin'.

This results in Stu entering the nightmare painting. *shivers*

After that Monkeybone and Stu successfully steal a ticket. BUT Monkeybone steals it for himself and enters Stu's body.

I guess Monkeybone is in the club for weird-obnoxious-guy-in-bizarre-world-who-is-the-bad-guy-and-his-name-is-in-the-title-and-comprises-of-two-words-three-syllables-one-which-is-an-animal club. You know along with Beetlejuice.

Anyway much cringing ensues with Stu's body acting like Monkeybone. Back in coma land Death decides to help out Stu by flinging him into some dead guys body. In the middle of his organ transplant.

Alright basically he ends up deafening Monkeybone and getting the girl. Yeah I got tired.

Monkeybone is not a very good movie. Its not funny and it has none of the directors major talents. But if this piped your interest. I suggest you check it out.

Goodbye, and remember. Im just some random kid with with a computer.

Hello World and all its inhabitants!

I always wanted to do a blog where I talk about things I like, or one where I talk about life (ala' Hyperbole and a Half).

So this is it I guess.